Until we meet again at the Rainbow Bridge

I'm writing this on the heels of the worst week of my life.  On Monday, I lost the one thing that meant the world to me.  My little London girl was put to rest.  I know, those who do not have pets may say it's just a cat (side note-NEVER say that to a person who is sitting at work in tears because they just had to put a pet down the day before) but pets aren't seen to their owners as pets, they become family. 

I would go through anything to have been able to keep her on earth with me.  She was a fighter, sick from the time I found her, and she fought until the end.  To those who knew her, she was a "special" kitty.  She really only liked me, she spit out her food all over my floor, her eyes were crossed and the one on the left was constantly tearing, really no neck and she just had a unique aura and quirky qualities to her.  I didn't care, the two of us had a very strange understanding of each other, a  I loved every piece of her.  With me, she was the sweetest little cat.  She had a black face, huge green eyes and brown patches over her eyes that looked like eyebrows.  Whenever I would come home, she would run to the door making these noises, these little half meows, like she was yelling at me for not being at home with her.  She would scream at me in the mornings to feed her, every time I sat down on the couch or on my bed, she would jump up and sit with me and everyday when I got out of the shower, as soon as I would turn the water off, she would put her little paws up on the tub like she wanted to jump in with me.  These are the things I miss the most.  She was my one constant when I was going through tough years of my life.

Not having her has left me feeling completely empty and numb. There is a huge void in my life that cannot be filled and I could never replace her.  I still think, every time I walk in the door or wake up in the morning that she will be here.  These past three days have been a complete emotional roller coaster, and the only remedy would be to have her back.  I know it will get better, it is a process.  The best thing that I can do is share my story about what a special place our four legged babies have in our hearts.  There are never any words that can take away the pain, I just hope and pray that I gave her the best life, and that I will see her again.  I know she is up in heaven, at the rainbow bridge, reunited with her brother, and I hope when I see her again it will seem to her that no time has past since we have been together. I picked up her remains today, and it does give me comfort that I have her back with me. 

To my friends and to anyone that has felt this unimaginable pain, I hope me sharing my story of my baby girl can give you some comfort that you are not alone.  To my little London girl, I miss you terribly and I am so incredibly blessed to have had you in my life.  I will forever love you and you always have a place in my heart that will only be held by you. Until we meet again at the Rainbow Bridge my sweet little Loey, I will miss you and love you.

**I want to give a special thank you to Dr. Kelly Gough at the Village Vet in Webster for her seven years of care she gave my sweet girl.  You were always so wonderful to London.  I also want to thank Pets at Peace memorial and cremation service at Harris Funeral Home.  Your compassion and respect toward all is remarkable. And to my Dad, thank you for everything on Monday, you are my rock.

And the men who hold high places, must be the ones to start, to mold a new reality, closer to the heart

Disclaimer to prior post as I have received numerous messages.  The person I wrote about knows who he is, and sorry, will not post on here who he is and will not tell in private messages who he is-so you can keep guessing but I won't tell ;)  And to my Dad, I wrote this post about two weeks ago as today's  events are Entre Nous.

Today I'm going to talk about family.  From the previous posts you can see I had a tough time and transition back into the single life.  The one piece of advice I can give anyone, male or female, is when things get tough, no matter what happens you have your family.  Everyone's family looks a little different.  I am lucky to have my wonderful parents, my sister, my brother in law, my soon to be niece, Grandparents, many Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, and my very close friends who I consider family. 

I have always been close to my parents.  Even though I put them through hell in my high school and college years, and then they paid a ridiculous amount of money for my wedding, and we all know how that ended!  But they still love me, do not judge me for my mistakes, and always have well wishes for me.

While I am very close with both of my parents, this post is going to be about my Dad.  I'll post about my Mom in another one, and the rest of my family in another, but here is where I start.

When I first told my parents I was separating from my ex-husband, they were obviously upset. My Dad contacted my ex and invited him out for wings and beers.  They ended up going, and had a good talk.  While my ex did not take my Dad's advice, I will always be thankful that my Dad had my back and was looking out for the both of us. 

When I told my parents that I was filing for divorce, I told my Dad first.  Not to say that my Mom and I are not very close, in fact I consider her my mother and my best friend, I just needed my Dad. From that point on, I learned that there is only one man who will never break your heart, and that is your Dad.  I cannot say enough kind words about my Dad.  He has taught me to be strong, how to not take things personally, how to not "take the bait", and he has shown me what it means to love someone.  My Dad loves my Mom, me and my sister like there is no tomorrow.  He would stand up to anyone and do whatever it takes to protect us.  He also puts up with a ton of abuse-in a household of women (well he had Jake to attempt to even the playing field).

I consider myself very resourceful.  I have learned that from my Dad.  If a perfect stranger walked up to my Dad and had a problem, if he couldn't fix it, he will send them to a person that could. I think he has that trait because of his Dad, my Papa.  That has been passed on to my sister and I.

When we lost my Papa, we did not have a funeral service for him.  This was his wish.  And I know from the stories that my Dad has told me, he and his father had great talks prior to my Papa's body leaving this Earth.  While their relationship wasn't perfect, at least in the end, they had a relationship that only a first born son and his father could have.

My Dad sent out a note to his friends and our family about his Dad, our Papa.  I remember distinctly in that letter he said that my Papa could fix anything.  He said that if a space ship was in trouble, and NASA called my Papa, he would be able to trouble shoot the issue they were having on board and bring the astronauts home safely.  My Dad could do the same thing.  I am confident in that. 

My Dad has helped me through what was a very difficult phase in my life.  I do not know what I would have done without him.  Whether he agreed with my decisions or not, he has always supported me.  He helped me trouble shoot my problems so I could get back on track.  He also has a sense of humor I guess only Bartlett's-or the British can get.  I could tell my Dad that I just solved all of the world's problems, he would respond by saying, "Good for you".  This is why I love him.  Many will not understand this, but if you know my Dad, I bet you are laughing you booty off.

My Dad is the type of person that considers everyone family.  He is loyal, resourceful, extremely intelligent and protective of those who are important to him. Those are traits I hope I have proven I have.  I cannot say enough about him.  I am happy that my niece will have my Dad as her Grandpa, and one day when I have kids, I am happy they will have him as well.

Again I am lucky, I have actually two men in my life who I know will never break my heart.  My Dad and my Lab.  I am thankful my Dad is now a foster parent to my Lab.   I know that no matter what happens, what ebbs and flows happen, I have the both of them.  My boys, my Dad and my dog, the only man (and man dog) that will never break my heart.  Thank you Dad, you are the best Dad anyone could ever ask for.  You have taught me things, from docking a boat, to enjoying my first Rush concert in sixth grade,  to managing my finances on my own, and did it in a way where I no longer feel hopeless and afraid. 

The one that got away

I left off with talking about “Daddy”. So gross.  Shortly after and a little bit before that I reconnected with a guy that is every girls dream.  He’s the knight in shining armor, the type of person that would put anyone before himself. 

He is actually someone that I had known for quite a long time, and is, and always will be, a friend to me and my family.  Did I cling onto him because he was familiar and knew he would protect me?  Absolutely.  Did I manage to screw things up between us, to the point that I thought he would be out of my life forever?  Absolutely. 

This is probably the one thing that I do regret.  I wish that I had enough common sense to realize that if I took things slowly with him, after our reconnection that I may not be in the position I am in now.  But, unfortunately I wasn’t at that point in my life yet.  I think I may have done everything possible to push this person away from me.  I remember one night, we were talking and he told me that I need to be single for a while.  I had always been in a relationship, since he has known me, and I needed to be single. 

Of course I did not want to take his advice.  I thought that I knew it all.  I thought that if I had continued in my ways that I would somehow end up happy.  Well, he was right.  I did need the time to be single.  He also told me that I needed to be back with my family, and to get my life back on track.

Have I made my own mistakes? Yes.  Have I made choices that have gotten me in trouble? Yes. Was he absolutely right in the advice he had given me? Yes. Was he right that I needed to get my life back on track? Yes.

He is the one who got away.  I know he will always be in my life, I’m not sure what that looks like, but he has, and always will be someone I have the utmost respect for.  Had I not screwed my life up for a bit maybe we would be together hunting armadillos in a Southern state where we both appreciate the music? Maybe. What I do know is that I will always have a special place in my heart for him.  I hope he can one day forgive me for all that I have done; going way back to when we were in high school. He is a wonderful person and forever I wish him the best.  He always has told me, even in the ups and downs that I am a good person and come from a good family.  That is a very special person.  I am happy to have him in my heart for always.  


I hope one day, everyone who reads this can find a person like him.

You're on your own for the first time...now what?!

I have to start out this post with a quick shout out.  Thank you to my family, I have the world's most supportive family, also to my work family and my friends. Thanks for even reading this!!! 

I left off in Vegas.  Amazing trip with great friends.  When I came home, it was time to face the music. My ex and I decided that he would stay in our house and I would move out.  I know, every divorce attorney will tell you not to move out, but I did.  I was to keep my "children", my pup Coley, the most wonderful black lab (next to my Jakey boy of course) and my special cat London.  My parents were kind enough to open their home to my Coley.  He still is there with them and is very happy.  As much as I miss his face every single day, my parents have taken to him like he was their own.  I am a very lucky girl, and Coley is a very lucky pup.

London and I moved into our first apartment, next door to one of my best friends.  It was weird, but I was happy, and I had one of my BFF's next door, without my "mouse" and "princess" I would probably be dead in a ditch.  Of course London was happy because she was no longer being chased by a 95 pound lab, but this was the first time I was out on my own.  It was August 2010.  I was now single, and had no idea what dating even was.  I had never had to date before.  I met my ex husband in college, and then we married right after. 

I went out with my friends, we had fun, and I met this cute guy.  He asked me for my number.  The whole thing was so strange, I had never been asked that before, was flattered and did not know what to do.  He leaves the bar, I stay with my friends.  After I got home, I'm getting ready for bed and I get a text from the guy who I met at the bar. It says, "Are you ready for daddy?".  Needless to say, I was completely grossed out and never responded.  Who says that?! 

So, this is where my dating life starts, not with "daddy"-I never spoke to him again, but guys in general.  I think I am still single for a reason.  I'm not a man hater at all.  I would love to fall in love and be happy.  This is just my story, and with a little luck, by the time I'm done telling, I hope to have found what I am looking for.

What every girl needs after a breakup

Picture this.  May 2010, I'm getting ready to go to volleyball, standing in my beautiful brand new kitchen that my Dad had helped us remodel, when I have to make the heads up phone call to one of my girlfriends who was on the team.  I had to tell her that my ex and I had decided to end our marriage because I knew if I walked in I would burst into tears.  I did not know which way was up or down, I had no idea what I was going to do with this house we had just purchased in August, a million thoughts ran through my head and  I don't even think at that point it had even sunken in that we were over. 

She came and picked me up, I played probably the best three matches I ever did (which by the way was still not great, I was way better in college int.) , had a shot of patron and went back to my big empty house.  Lucky I have such a great friend, she stayed with me for what would be my first of many nights by myself.

The next day it sunk in.  I wanted to call off from work and just sit and cry all day.  She would not let me. I got off my sorry booty and got on with my day.  After I came home from work, we made a plan.  We're going to Vegas.

That summer, Vegas it was.  I will not be telling the stories of Vegas, as those are between the three of us girls who were there having the time of our lives. 

So this would be my best advice to anyone who has just had a big break up.  Get you booty to the gym, grab your girlies, your best dresses and bikinis and go to Vegas. Have an amazing time and make memories that you will never speak of again. Because if you do, you won't be invited back.

Here we go.......

I was recently approached (at a bar no less) by a local business owner.  We got to talking about starting a business and life in general.  When I began telling him my story, with the preface that I should have a video crew following me at all times, he suggested that I start blogging.  I had no idea what this whole blogging thing was even about and that people even paid any attention to them.  By no means am I a writer, but I do believe that everyone has a story, I was intrigued by the idea  and in my short 30 years on this planet I have quite the story.  This first post will be pretty lengthy, so put on your comfy pants, grab a glass of vino and I hope you enjoy!!

I grew up in a suburb of Rochester, NY and had a pretty normal childhood.  You know, good parents, nice house, went to dance lessons and was a cheerleader in high school.  I will start my story at the end of my four years at SUNY Fredonia.  Not to say that nothing spectacular happened the first 22 years of my life, but this is when things really got interesting.  When you graduate from College, no one gives you a handbook on how to live and function in society without falling flat on your face.  I guess if there was one, life would be boring.

When I graduated from college, I moved back home with my parents for a few months, then got my first apartment with my now ex-husband.  We thought we had it all figured out.  He had known each other throughout college, he was a fraternity boy/hockey player and I was a sorority girl.  We started what I guess you could call dating our Junior year in college.  I still remember the night I "picked him up" at this wonderful establishment, Sunny's, in Fredonia.  He was shy but confident and I may have had too much to drink at a function prior to going out to the bar.  I remember that night like it was yesterday, beginning of fall semester my Junior year.  I remember getting ready and dressing up ridiculous with my best friends, we called ourselves 100%.  I know, sounds corny and it is, but these girls are still a very important part of my life and I guess we called our little group that because when we were together we went all out, 100%.  Anyways, before we were headed to our sorority bid day party, I remember saying to them, I am so ready for a girls night out, I hate guys (I had just ended a relationship over the summer)  and I just want to go out and dance with my girls.  Well, that was the night I approached my now ex-husband and proclaimed to him I had the biggest crush on him (which I did) and I hoped that he was now single.  It went from there.  We had a great time together for the next two years in college and after those years were behind us, he moved to Rochester, and we started a life together.

We became engaged a year later.  September 23, 2005.  I remember that night.  I had just come home from a two week trip to Illinois for work, was exhausted, and totally pissed that he was late to pick me up from the airport.  When I came home and he proposed, I of course forgave him.  We were married a year to that date later.  Had a huge, beautiful wedding and honeymooned in Hawaii.  Again, we thought we had it all.  Turns out, when you can no longer have the college lifestyle, people change.  We both did. 

We were married for almost four years, and will have been divorced for two years this summer. I don't regret marrying him, and I wish him the best of luck in the future.  He's a good person, just not the person I was meant to be with.  He was not meant to be with me either.  That is all I will say about him, by blogging I do not wish him any ill will and our story is not meant for just me to share.  There are three sides to every story.  My side, your side and the truth.  I'm sure my accounts of the marriage and break up would not match his.  I miss the guy I married, and I miss his brothers, sister and his nephews, but people change, I hope one day to see them all again, and I wish them all the best.

So here I was, a 28 year old divorcee.  I never thought I would be in that position.  I had never lived by myself, I was scared, anxious and had no idea what was in my future. I got my first apartment by myself next to one of my best friends.  Thank God for her.  If she wasn't there I'd be dead in a ditch ( love you sparkly cupcake mouse).  It's very strange the whole divorce thing.  You have no idea how it will effect your entire life and those around you.  I lost many friends, my sanity at times, and a whole lot of money!!!  The strangest thing was how it effects your family and friends.  I felt, and still do to this day as a failure to my parents.  My mother married my father when she was 18 years old and they are still together.  I know that they love me and support me, but you never want to disappoint your parents, and I feel like I did.  They are proud of me, what I have done with my life and would support any decision I make.  I'm just not to the point where I can accept that as a truth. For my friends, when we first separated, all of our mutual friends said they would not pick sides.  But, as I have learned, this can never happen.  I miss a lot of people that were very important to me.  Through this, I have also found out who my real friends are and have made a fabulous new group of friends.  I am so thankful to have met this new group of people and for those that have stuck with me.  Not to say my old friends are bad people because they are not.  Like I said before, people change and they have only heard my ex's side of the story.

So, this is where the story starts.  I was young, newly single and ready to start over.